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dear edd:

I miss you dearly

and my socks

think about returning them, please

you asked what my wish for next year was

you asked not, indeed

but it's ok

here is my wish 

and my wish is three

to finish my degree

leave my current job

and leave the city I live in

I want to at least start pointing my boat in that direction

I feel like my love story ended

and it's time to move on and move out

you wouldn't keep a dated egg in the fridge, right?

I mean, I would but I would still not eat it

it's time to free some space

I think finishing my degree is plausible

I'm gonna end up exhausted, I'm afraid

it's the beginning of week two (out of thirteen this semester, I'm counting but who is, really? some people are) 

and yo boi is already destroyed 

a shadow of his former self

full of insecurities and dissolved into all there is

the immensity of all the knowledge I can't muster 

the people around me

I feel little, tiny, sshfh

it's not a good look

but I feel like I should keep pushing

in normal circumstances, I would go back to my shell

but these are not normal circumstances

also, the shell has become crystal clear

sun and darkness is around

it's what you get to see from inside

all is the same 

completing this degree is more a completion thing than a degree thing

although I can't shake that off lately

the degree thing, the title thing, the degree title

I'm looking for ways to improve my financial situation

which leads me to the point twoo

the job I have is not a job I want

customer service was marvellous for ten years

but stop

from the get go

I felt it was draining

all that clothes, the pretending, the people pleasing, the chains of command, the demands

I think a lesson that I have more or less gotten these past years is that when you run from something

you will not be able to hide from it

that which you run from is your shadow

and you will always cast one -or four, it depends-

as long as max is pointing at you with his phone that is

I also love max

and I love you, Edd

and I have learned to love this job

and the things that it has brought me

the people, the experiences, the steady income, the chance of only working two days a week (for many, many years)

I thank you thee

I also see you for what you are

a construct

a lie bigger than the ones I tell

you are not what my soul craves

my soul is, in a way,  allergic to you

but that's alright

to be honest, I think my soul may be allergic to any kind of job

there is something here that I should remember:

to not keep walking the pre-established path

there is a warm light that keeps calling me 

and it tells me

it lets me know

that those roads are misleading

you look at maps where all these lines are drawn

but what can really draw you is beneath that all

there is a path you are not seeing

I can only hope to close my eyes and get a better sight of this

I pray for this

I do now

I will leave my job

and I will be grateful for all that it has given me

I already am

and I will be open to whatever comes next

and it will be better

and incredibly fulfilling for my soul

because I owe my soul that much

it's not about me

that is another key lesson, my friend

it might be about you

who knowsss

does max know?

max is right there, being a light and casting shadows

do you know where I got the leaving things behind full of gratitude, and not fed up with it all?

when I left Madrid 

when I travelled to the States with my beloved Sylvia

and when I moved to London to enjoy my long-time dream of becoming independent abroad

it was beautiful, don't get me wrong

both times

but the void was still there

and also the false ideas that my future, the better one

was waiting for me somewhere else

there can't be always a somewhere else

what you are running from or to is what is exhausting

stop

I wanna move out of madrid

I have come to the conclusion that places have a vibe

an energy

I don't think Madrid and I are a match

as a matter of fact, I don't think Spain and I are

again, I have been lucky enough

to have people around that have shown me what is like to feel comfortable and at home in the place you live in

and more than that, people that have taught me to rediscover this city and fell in love with some of its corners

I strongly believe my life path diverged some years ago

I had a chance to go and do something that actually spoke to my soul

(take care of my sick grandma and her sister)

I decided to stay in the city due to a creative opportunity 

ever since, things have gone downhill in many aspects

like literally the space around me and the living circumstances

of course, some amazing people have still popped out here and there

but I have felt sometimes like I was a virus and the city was feeling I was in the wrong place

or perhaps it was my soul telling me

your time here has come to an end, child

I might be wrong

but there is something deep inside that tells me otherwise

it almost feels like a feeling that is not my own

maybe is that sun in the xii house

where growth happens abroad

or the fact that I was nicknamed the foreigner when I was a baby

or all of the above

but that will come to happen

because, again, I feel like I owe that to my soul

to grow in different and beautiful ways

to be a tree whose branches are constantly reaching out for light

that of course

leaves a big question mark

what about the people that I love that I can't bring with me

I only hope

I pray, again

that all goes into alignment 

I don't want to leave anyone behind

no, I don't want anyone to feel like I left them behind

but I don't want to forget about myself either

I pray then to close my eyes

and follow the path that would take us all downhill

it's covered in snow

and we get to the bottom of the valley riding slides 

we came from the same place

we get to different points 

the experience is not a traumatic one

quite the contrary

I want my sense of expansion and fulfillment

to not be only my own

but to share that with those around me I love and that love me back

I want to help in this divorce

life is about people

there is something beneath all of these words

something I can't fully grasp

dear, End

my three wishes will become true

I wanna believe these are not wishes

these are wormholes I'm opening in the snow

this white post 

how are you, dear?

I'm always right behind you

the other way around

love,

nick